funny quotes latest
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It’s really snowflake times when people get offended
even at compliments. What has the society gotten to? Only yesterday I
complimented somebody on a lovely mustache and she was beside herself!
My friend was bragging he made love to 2 Brazilian
women.
-
Come on, of course I don’t believe him. Even though I’m not entirely
sure how many a brazillion is.
When I hear the doorbell, I always answer with my
jacket in my hand. Depending on who’s there, I can either say I’ve only
just came in, or I’m just about to leave.
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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
―
Chris Rock
“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
―
Suzanne Collins,
Mockingjay
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
―
George Carlin
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
―
Phyllis Diller
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
―
Mark Twain
“What the hell is that?" I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
―
John Green,
Looking for Alaska
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
―
Marilyn Monroe
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
―
Lemony Snicket,
Horseradish
“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
―
John Green,
Looking for Alaska
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
―
Albert Einstein
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
―
Cathy Guiswite
“It's not because I want to make out with her."Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”
―
John Green,
Looking for Alaska
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
―
Jerry Seinfeld
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
―
Rodney Dangerfield
“Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”
―
Leigh Bardugo,
Six of Crows
“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
―
Golda Meir
“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”
―
Cassandra Clare,
City of Ashes
“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say."No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
―
Suzanne Collins,
Catching Fire
“I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann McKay."I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I'm going blind in my right eye.My tonsils are as big as rocks,I've counted sixteen chicken pox.
There’s just something about getting a good laugh in that can make your day a million times better. If you’re looking for funny quotes to make you smile, to give a toast with, or to send to a loved one, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve curated the best funny quotes and sayings that cover everything from everyday life to relationships and even work! Adding that extra dose of joy and positivity with humor will put a lighthearted spin on life that shouldn’t be taken too seriously. After browsing our joyful list, share these funny quotes inside custom photo cards to brighten up someone’s day.
Looking for a funny quote or saying to reflect the humor that underlies many facets of life? From life’s many lessons, struggles and joys to the always interesting realities of life, you might find the perfect words in these funny life quotes. These funny sayings about life are also the perfect little additions to any personalized photo book. Why not pair your favorite photos with unique quotes, messages, and sayings that best describe all the funny memories, milestones, and adventures in life?
Love is messy, weird, difficult and oftentimes very funny. These funny love quotes are the most relatable thing you’ll read all day. Whether you’re looking for the perfect wedding toast and jokes, hilarious Valentine’s Day captions, or anniversary quotes that will make your partner laugh, we’ve rounded up the these funny quotes about love that are all too true. Scroll down, click and save your favorites, and copy and paste them into personalized gifts to share with all your loved ones.
Choosing a birthday card is just half the battle; now you have to think of something funny to write inside. Pick out one of these funny happy birthday quotes or mix and match them with your own words to craft the perfect cheers to another year older. Birthdays are meant to be full of laughter and cheer. When your loved ones open their birthday cards from you, you’ll know why they can’t stop smiling.
Our jobs are undoubtedly a vital part of our lives when we learn different things, experiment with them, and meet people. These hilarious quips and funny work quotes poke fun at the ups-and-downs of being a working professional, and are guaranteed to make any day on the job better. Add these funny inspirational work quotes to your office decor to help you find your daily grind a little more enjoyable.
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